My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
