The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
