im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize