The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Say something about gay babies.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
