I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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