conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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