a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
bring money and cleavage
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
