Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize