I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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