The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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