Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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