it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
