I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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