plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
