uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
