If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
