this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
