Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
