I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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