I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
