Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
