DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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