my mouth tastes like poor choices
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
