chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
