apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
