Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
