I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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