No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
