Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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