Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
BRING THE BAGELS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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