I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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