Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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