i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Too much gin, very little bucket
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
