Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
