remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
