flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize