I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
