She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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