I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
