i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
