You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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