My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize