If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do herpes really smell.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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