Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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