Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
