I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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