so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
