omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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