I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
