you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
