sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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