Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
