Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
