I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
