Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
