I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
