I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
