When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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