I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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