He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
