Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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