im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
