After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize